Personal log, 201703.6
I have returned from laying Papa Cisco to rest. My brother stayed behind to tend to our mother for a few additional days. We had a week of remembrance, but very few tears. The last eighteen months had not been kind; the last two weeks unkinder still. It is a terrible thing to pray for a release that takes a loved one away forever, but if it had been Papa’s call to make, this outcome is the call he would have made.
The truth is, Papa was a comedian of sorts; he enjoyed making helping people and making them happy. He did a LOT of that; his memorial brought the largest turnout in recent memory according to the Minister; a testament, he says, to the type of man Papa was.
There’s a certain expectation among the Cisco clan, even (and especially) in times such as these. I literally have a lifetime of memories and instructions to carry our legacy forward, and as the eldest son it is a matter of personal honor that I do so. Mama is holding up well; having gone through my own loss not so very long ago, it will be my task to help her find her way if need be, as she did for me. However, she is both stronger and better prepared for this than I was; I fully expect that she will be more worried for us than the other way around.
I am sad that Papa is not here, yet grateful that he is with Mrs. Cisco now; they became fast friends over the years, and the thought of them together watching over the rest of us gives me comfort.
Tonight, for the first time since her death 9 months ago, I’m glad Mrs. Cisco isn’t here to see this. For now I’ve had it confirmed that half of the country hates me so much that they’re willing to burn the country down in response to PBO. They wanted me as an enemy, they demonized me and anyone who looks like me. They wanted a Neo-Confederacy. SO. BE. IT.
They may find the having less pleasing than the wanting. May the Prophets make it so.
I was on my way to the theatre (actually got there and the place was PACKED – forgot about Dark Knight vs. grimdark Supes), so I went for a long drive. Ironically, it was one of the things Mrs. Cisco and I used to enjoy even when we couldn’t afford do anything else. It’s the first time I’ve done something alone that we used to do together that felt right. Peaceful even. Managed to regain some sense of clarity, and to understand that today was no day to hang my head. My beloved is at peace, and I can truly do no more for her. I have to continue on my walkabout, find my place in this world, to be able to live my life in a manner worthy of the love she so unconditionally gave to me. I would have expected the same of her, and I can do no less.
It’s been a month since I lost Mrs. Cisco. I know it’s early, WAY early in the process, but the biggest change has been how damned SAD everyday things have become. You know when you wake up, but not all the way? That moment when the fog is still clearing? That’s my moment of peace. As soon as that fog clears and I roll over, reality hits again. Hammer to the chest. Every. Single. Damned. Day. She was part of the workday too, chatting back and forth, finding out if/what I needed to bring home, goofing off, simple stuff. Gone. Grocery shopping (admittedly not one of my favorite things to begin with) has become excruciating. And the QUIET. It’s just so damned QUIET. And not the kind of quiet you get when you’re with someone and there’s no NEED for words. Just silence. That’s the worst.
That said, I’m grateful for the time we had together. I’m glad I told her I loved her before she went to sleep. I’m glad she knew that. I believe she’s at peace, and I’m grateful for that. I know that I will see her again. And I know there’s a reason I’m still here. I may be wrong for saying this, but it had better be worth having lost her.
I’ve loved you more than life itself
and I always will
but without you by my side
life seems so very still